Leave it to the United States to tackle what is really important—ridding themselves of the pesky twice-yearly time change!
Because, don’t ya know, climate change doesn’t exist, plastic is 100% biodegradable, extinction is a bleeding-heart liberal myth, and things like pesticides, deforestation, and fracking/PFAS have zero impact on the environment and wildlife like squirrels.
And, of course, women are yearning to be “barefoot and pregnant” in the kitchen yet once again.
Not to mention the fact that nobody reads books anymore anyway, so who cares that the conservative right is burning books yanking books off library shelves everywhere?
Am I right, or am I right?
So, it’s my pleasure to announce, the bill has passed to make Daylight Savings Time permanent! That means, for all you (99.9%) of underpaid minions here in the good ol’ U.S. of A, ya’ll can’t use that handy excuse to explain to your corporate overlord supervisor why you were late.
After all, who actually needs to enjoy a nice sit-down breakfast with your family, anyway?
Certainly not people working triple shifts just to buy a week’s worth of food day’s worth of food for said family!
And those leftist liberals were too preoccupied in trying to protect women’s rights, the rights of nonhuman animals and of nature, the rights of the aforementioned underpaid minions, and anybody else that can cook up a sob story and pass it off as a completely ineffectual petition, that they didn’t notice the rider that was attached to that bill.
I’m talking about the measure that is a one-stop, surefire, bet-your-bottom-dollar (if you don’t even have a “bottom dollar” you’re shit out of luck), solution to the so-called inflation crisis!
Attached to this “Sunshine Protection Act”, destined to go into effect November 5th of this year, is an extra day tacked onto the end of November, extending the month’s previous 30-day allotment.
“We just know the American people will appreciate the addition of November 31 to the calendar,” conservative right spokesperson Mr-Definitely-Not-Gender-Fluid-Sawbucks. “I mean, who wouldn’t benefit from an extra day of Black Friday sales to stock up on all that plastic merchandise for their loved ones? Not only will this extra shopping day be a guaranteed boost to the economy, I’ve heard that the plastic is now so biodegradable you can eat it!”
So, there you have it, folks…not only do we get an extra hour of sunshine, we of the 99.9% U.S. population get an extra day to put food on the table exercise our consumer rights to act as greedy and rapacious as the One-Percenters!
Happy November 31st, everybody!!!!!
(*Oh, and Happy April Fools’ Day! Thanks to the Evil Squirrel Nest for another fun event: The Tenth Annual Contest of Whatever!)
Also, in case it still isn’t clear, this post is about as real as my chances of winning the lottery. But there’s always tomorrow!