If I were a character in the Dungeons & Dragons realm, my alignment would be, without a doubt, chaotic.

Most likely either Chaotic Good or Chaotic Neutral, but after a lifetime (IRL) of living in said chaotic state, it does wear you down.

It raises the question about whether selfishness (Chaotic Evil) is what it takes to be successful in this world, especially in terms of financial success.

It’s hard not to, when I look around and see that the people in power who have money and everything they want could be classified by those terms (yes, I’m oversimplifying things, but…), and to lose faith both in the world, and in one’s self.

Especially as one long dedicated to animals, nature, and social justice, for example.

But, like most creatives, I’m using this (midlife-transition-slash-crisis) state of mind as fodder for a future novel with a character facing not just a philosophical crisis but an ethical one as well.

Part of this process is tied into trying to simplify both my life and my mind; to try to get to the essence of who I actually am, and freeing myself from certain imposed proscriptions based on gender, etc.

It’s a bit frustrating to be stuck in this thought limbo while I navigate this transition, as I am also not up to my usual level of productivity (writing short stories, keeping up with blog-reading, applying for jobs*) because there is so much I can’t set aside, such as attempting to get a better-paying job, paying down debt, and trying to keep a roof over my head.

My pie-in-the-sky hope, though, is to emigrate to Canada someday soon…I’ve been looking at places in Ontario like London and Guelph and Toronto.

I’m hoping to do a bit of a crossover in themes between this and my other blog, but I may be too close…too immersed in the emotion of transition, to make it interesting to read. But in this madcap world, I’m not only going to do these online “journal entries” but break out my old paper journals and start that up again.

https://kirstenleebarger.com/2026/04/26/it-only-sounds-simple/

How are you all faring with everything that is going on?

*Course, I’ve been applying for jobs since 1998: thousands of customized cover letters/resumes, dedicated job hunting, going back to school three different times, and still not being able to break out of this financial plateau. So, yes, a long haul, with not much to show for it except more student loan debt.