If I were a character in the Dungeons & Dragons realm, my alignment would be, without a doubt, chaotic.
Most likely either Chaotic Good or Chaotic Neutral, but after a lifetime (IRL) of living in said chaotic state, it does wear you down.
It raises the question about whether selfishness (Chaotic Evil) is what it takes to be successful in this world, especially in terms of financial success.
It’s hard not to, when I look around and see that the people in power who have money and everything they want could be classified by those terms (yes, I’m oversimplifying things, but…), and to lose faith both in the world, and in one’s self.
Especially as one long dedicated to animals, nature, and social justice, for example.
But, like most creatives, I’m using this (midlife-transition-slash-crisis) state of mind as fodder for a future novel with a character facing not just a philosophical crisis but an ethical one as well.
Part of this process is tied into trying to simplify both my life and my mind; to try to get to the essence of who I actually am, and freeing myself from certain imposed proscriptions based on gender, etc.
It’s a bit frustrating to be stuck in this thought limbo while I navigate this transition, as I am also not up to my usual level of productivity (writing short stories, keeping up with blog-reading, applying for jobs*) because there is so much I can’t set aside, such as attempting to get a better-paying job, paying down debt, and trying to keep a roof over my head.
My pie-in-the-sky hope, though, is to emigrate to Canada someday soon…I’ve been looking at places in Ontario like London and Guelph and Toronto.
I’m hoping to do a bit of a crossover in themes between this and my other blog, but I may be too close…too immersed in the emotion of transition, to make it interesting to read. But in this madcap world, I’m not only going to do these online “journal entries” but break out my old paper journals and start that up again.
https://kirstenleebarger.com/2026/04/26/it-only-sounds-simple/
How are you all faring with everything that is going on?
*Course, I’ve been applying for jobs since 1998: thousands of customized cover letters/resumes, dedicated job hunting, going back to school three different times, and still not being able to break out of this financial plateau. So, yes, a long haul, with not much to show for it except more student loan debt.
Willow Croft 
I too have struggled to accept what is being done to our country! I’ve worked daily acts of protest into my routines, but it still is a distraction from my writing.
Even so, I am finishing up the first draft of a novel and preparing to self-publish another book, and organizing an Indy fantasy feature for my blog. My son’s turbulent teenaged years couldn’t take my art from me, and MAGA won’t, either.
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I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. I have really fallen down the black hole of watching podcasts and trying to stay informed/stay abreast of the situation. And, of course, going to No Kings protests and what have you. I’ve channelled some of my animal advocacy into my writing and into my “branding” as such for my author presence. I would love to hear any time management tips you feel like sharing. Congrats on your new first draft! My blog reading has been a little sporadic over the past several months, but I’m trying to get back into my schedule. I love the phrase “MAGA won’t either”. I mean, I don’t want to bury my head in the sand and be uninformed, but I also am torn between having them take up so much head space with their terrible, despicable actions. It’s a tough balance….
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I really monitor myself and my mental state. Since I work in a school, I can’t let myself get agitated and then go with with kids. When I feel like I’m dwelling too much on the regime, I purposely shut it off and do something like reading or a jigsaw puzzle.
I do my activism in small bites. A phone call to congress today. Writing post cards tomorrow. Regular Saturday afternoon demonstrations. It helps me reserve my energy for other things.
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Hope it all turns out well for you.
Gwen.
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Lulu: “Our Dada is pretty sure he would be Lawful, with occasional Chaotic tendencies, like the time he and Mama just packed up and moved to California with two cats, two dogs, and no jobs …”
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… and then there’s KAOS, at least until Maxwell Smart and Agent 99 (mostly Agent 99) get here to take care of them.
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